| Six Steps to Sorrow |
[May. 5th, 2006|11:03 am] |
It’s sickening to flip the pages of a magazine and find a column that tells you how to achieve a happy and prosperous life. I know you are sick of it. I am too. And because I’m bored to death with my usual summer routine, here’s a little something that I prepared for all the 6 billion souls out there. I want you guys to know how to be sad, depressed, and absolutely inconsolable. Here are five easy steps to sorrow.
1. Sweat the small stuff. Fuss about everything and make a big deal out of the tiniest stuff like that strand of hair that just won’t behave, or that string of unraveled thread on the fringe of your skirt. Scold your friend if he didn’t do what you wanted him or her to do pronto. Be very depressed about how the color of that other sandal isn’t the same shade of orange as the other one.
2. Release your anger. There’s nothing like exploding when someone irks you and make sure you don’t just explode like a sleezy hand grenade. Go nuclear and make everyone within a 10-mile radius feel your wrath. Smash that Ming dynasty vase. Punch a retarded ex. Whatever. Just release your anger and look forward to a hundred days of sorrow.
3. Be pessimistic. Always look at the darker side of things. be a glass-half-empty kind of person and never, never think that there’s a calm after the storm—because there isn’t. there’ll only be more rain clouds, more bolts of lightning. In fact, there’s a tornado itching to ravage whatever there is to ravage. Think that it’s the end of the world and that no matter what you do, your problem will always be there, will always be looming over the horizon.
4. Get rid of your friends. It’s exactly because these guys are the harbrigners of happiness. Talk about your friends behind their backs, or better yet, talk about them upfront. Comment on how sleezy their sense of style is (if applicable) about how that flimsy skirt just does not go with that micro mini tube top. Talk to them in a rude and critical manner, about their upsetting mannerisms. Your motto should be: I’ll stab your back, you stab mine.
5. Never be content. When you get something, desire for something even bigger, bolder, and better. Never settle for anything—even for the best. Always seek for something even though you know you cannot have it. and when you don’t get what you want even though you’ve stepped on everyone’s toes, mope and sulk about it.
6. Have high expectations. Impossibly high expectations, rather. This is the numero uno camino to disappointment and frustration. Even though you’re evidently getting big fat zeros on your grade card, expect to be awarded as the academic achiever of the year. Even though you look a notch below horrendous than spawn, expect that you will get the girl. Even though you’re going against Oxford A in the debates, expect that you’ll beat them by a thrashing win. There’s nothing like having high expectations and no being able to fulfill them that gives you an all-time low.
These are only a few tried and tested methods in achieving a state of sorrow. Be sad. Be very sad. |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
gospelofstaki's journal
bitchy